I've fallen into a depression and I can't get up.
I literally just want to lie in bed all day and do nothing, see no one, and just sleep. Maybe cry a bit, eat some chocolate cake, you know.
Instead, I've forced myself up and watched movie after movie after movie.
I have some ideas as to where this all came from.
It could be all the weddings and showers and baby birthday parties I've been invited to as of late. Getting asked to go to these things simply remind me of a life I'll never have. Since last month, I've attended one wedding, been invited to 3 baby birthday parties, invited one shower, and have two more weddings to sit through in June. Sometimes I wish I was just "normal" and have what they have: spouse, family, etc. But yeah, that's not going to happen. It's nice to help friends celebrate and buy them gifts and such, but seriously - will I ever get any of this returned? I am better off flushing money down the toilet.
I'm becoming bitter and jaded and I don't like it. Last week I wasn't like this. Last week I was watching RomComs and enjoying them and they filled my heart up with hope. They fed the romantic in me.
I've just finished watching Must Love Dogs, and maybe it's because I'm a cat person or maybe it's because the person who recommended it to me said if I liked Serendipity, then I'd like this movie, or maybe it's because I'm not big on John Cusack and would rather Diane Lane end up with the hunky Dermot Mulroney, but whatever the case, I did not enjoy this film. It was boring. Or maybe it's because I've lost touch with my inner romantic.
Last week I wasn't like this.
Last week I went to get my haircut, and my hairdresser asked me about The Guy. The Guy is fine. Things have not progressed, but they haven't regressed either. And I was fine with it. I was happy to have him in my life.
But my hairdresser wasn't. She proceeded to attack him and drive the conversation with leading questions like "So he doesn't even care about how you feel?" and corner me with an interrogation that no matter how I answered, would end up making me feel like shit. Mission accomplished. I tried to defend The Guy to her, but she would have none of it. I told her that The Guy gave me hope, and she flat out said verbatim, "I wish you didn't have hope."
Wow, talk about a Debbie Downer. I went for a haircut and instead I got held up to the proverbial broomstick and proceeded to get the hope beaten out of me.
Oh yeah, and my hairdresser has never met, let alone seen, The Guy before. And she sees me once a month, we don't hang out outside of our customer/hairdresser relationship, and knew each other minimally as coworkers back in the day. So maybe she's getting her impression of The Guy from my blog, which she reads sometimes, and from stories I've told her. Or maybe she's projecting her own issues, I don't know.
I get that she was concerned for my well-being, but I was perfectly FINE when I arrived on her doorstep. When I left though, my mind had been sent spiraling downwards
into this abyss and I have been depressed all week and don't see any signs of light. The thing is, I would appreciate her concern more HAD I ASKED FOR IT. But I didn't. She brought up the topic of The Guy, and then made a huge issue out of something that was a non-issue for me.
It was an intense haircut and we managed to get through it, but I really didn't think it was her place to bring up the topic of The Guy and then try to convince me how shitty he was.
I've also been busy with friends going through break-ups and questioning their relationships.
To me, it's a luxury to be able to do that. I mean, I know it's a shitty spot to be in because I have been there ONCE in my life. For lack of a better term, these friends are "serial monogamists" and they go from one relationship to the other like it was THAT EASY. They turn the corner and wind up in a relationship. I run for miles, years, and come up with nothing.
So when they talk to me about their break-ups and I have to walk them through it, console them, etc, I can't help but feel jealous and resentful because deep in my heart I know that they will find someone else in no time flat, because that's what they always do. Whereas I will continue to go on alone, like I've always done.
Anyway, that's just me today. I'll go back to talking about stupid movies and stupid music and stupid tv shows and stupid restaurants soon enough, for anyone who even cares what I think.
Right now though, I think I'm just going to go back to bed and cry.